“I was an athletic 10-year-old boy in a normal middle-class family. There was never a dearth of love or comfort and we had a good life. All that changed when one day I was invited over by a relatively well-known neighbour. I played a lot of games and this led to soreness and pain in my legs, which he offered to relieve with a massage. He started with my legs, but his hands moved upwards until he was feeling my private parts. Out of curiosity, I did not resist. However, he became more persistent and frequent. I felt threatened and wanted him to stop.”
Child sexual abuse (CSA) is
receiving increased attention today due to the number of cases of rape
and sexual assault that have been reported by the media. Addressing this
is important because of the mental and psychological trauma it causes.
The presence of the warning signs mentioned below does not mean the
child has been sexually abused but it suggests that you should be asking
pertinent questions.
Talk:
Talk to him/her everyday, no matter his/her age. Talk calmly, not
authoritatively. Ask about the day, what he/she did and who he/she spent
it with. If, at any point, the child shares his/her dislike for a
specific person, stop to ask why. Do not get alarmed or carried away.
Watch, ask, question. More often than not, the child will talk or share
details about the abuse, or how he/she does not liked to be touched by
that person. Do not jump to conclusions or insinuate sexual abuse. There
could be another reason for the child’s fear.
Teach:
Teach children the difference between good and bad touch. Touches that
make you feel uncomfortable are ‘bad’. When an adult shares a film or a
picture with sexual content or information, it is sexual abuse. Even
watching a child change or bathe is child sexual abuse. Only children
can decide who can touch or kiss them. They should know that they have
the right to say ‘No’. Use the many books and films available on this
topic to teach children about their bodies and how to be safe from abuse
of any kind. All boys and girls should learn to distinguish between
molestation and sincere touches of affection. This can be best learnt at
home where they are taught not only the negative aspects of sex but
also healthy sex education.
Assess:
Once a child discloses abuse, an appropriate response is extremely
important to the healing process. Denial is a powerful and age-old
mechanism. As parents/care-givers, it is our responsibility to attend to
the situation immediately.
Trust:
Be supportive, understanding and, most importantly, believe in the
child. It takes courage to discuss what the child has decided to share.
Collect evidence:
Take him/her to a doctor and understand the extent of abuse. Get medical
attention and gather evidence in the form of statements/reports. Be
calm and patient. Do not discuss the matter before the child because
that reinforces the trauma. Be discreet and respectful towards the
child.
Reassure:
Talk to him/her soothingly and gently. Do not touch if he/she is uncomfortable.
Action:
Hear the child out and explain calmly and gently — if the child is old
enough to understand — what you plan to do next. Filing an FIR along
with evidence collected is an option. Confronting the perpetrator is an
individual decision but is important as other children may be victimised
as well.
When a child reveals abuse, a series of
therapeutic interventions are important. The belief that the problems
end when the abuse ends is false. In fact, this is the beginning of a
long process of healing.
Child sexual abuse affects
the child in its formative years. In an incestuous family, the social
fabric is ruptured by this abusive relationship. This unfortunately goes
unrecognised. The survivor who speaks out is held responsible for the
family’s break up.
Is silence the right decision?
Absolutely not. Living with the guilt and allowing the perpetrator to
get away with it make life worse. Dealing with the abuse is the right
way. How one deals with it depends on the family situation. While there
are laws to deal with CSA, these can be effective only if more families
resort to legal intervention. Simultaneously strong judgments must be
passed to create fear among the perpetrators. Every survivor is a
warrior of light, who has been through a most traumatising experience in
a childhood that should have been a happy one. Several have survived
and gone on to lead complete lives in every sense. Therefore, despite a
difficult journey, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Nandi Shah is the founder of Ashraya, which conducts workshops on
child sexual abuse, in corporation and urban schools and sensitisation
programmes in the Police Training College.
Ashraya4u@hotmail.com
Warning signs
If the child is:
Distracted or day dreams more than usual
.
Fears or strongly expresses dislike towards certain people
.
Tries to express sexual hurt by drawings, conversations or writing about sexual behaviour
.
Exhibits uncharacteristic sexually suggestive behaviour
.
Bedwetting, crying or regressive behaviour in younger children
.
Mood changes, depression, erratic behaviour, angry or tearful outbursts without reason
.
Distancing or withdrawing oneself from friends and family
.
Significant changes in sleeping patterns and habits
.
Visible signs of violence, injuries or bleeding
.
Has sudden increase in toys or money
.
Has an older friend with whom he spends a lot of time
.
Refuses to talk about a secret shared
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